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Dealing with Feelings and Emotions

Cancer is frightening to most people and can affect our whole lives. You may experience many different feelings and emotions, both positive and negative, throughout the course of your child's illness, from diagnosis and treatment to survival.

Everyone also has their own special way that they prefer to deal with their emotions. Some people cry in public, while others only cry when alone. Some people find laughing helpful, while others find it disrespectful. Some people grieve about their child's illness, while others grieve indirectly and find themselves being more emotional when they watch a sad movie or read a sad book. However you are feeling, it is important to not keep those emotions to yourself. Don't be ashamed to find someone to talk to and let out your feelings. It's good to acknowledge your feelings, because they are not wrong or unusual.

Feelings are actually helpful. They can help you accept your family's situation and can eventually help you focus on the more positive experiences, helping you get through the negative ones more easily. Some common feelings are:

• Shock
• Denial and Disbelief
• Fear and Anxiety
• Guilt
• Depression and Sadness
• Anger

Shock

One of the initial emotions that you as parents may experience when the diagnosis is made known is shock. You may feel numb and confused, like you're in a bad dream. You might also have a hard time remembering even simple details and conversations. The positive side of numbness and shock is that it allows the mind and body a portion of time to process and deal with the pain and all the information that is coming at you.

Advice for handling shock:

• Discuss reactions and feelings with cancer team social worker or nurse
• Ask a friend or family member to take notes for you during doctor visits and don't be scared to have health care workers repeat information for you
• Remember that feelings of shock are normal and will eventually pass
• Seek out help from family members and friends

Denial and Disbelief

You may have had a sense of denial and disbelief when you heard the diagnosis of cancer. You may ask yourself "How can this be?" "My child doesn't look or act sick enough for something as serious as cancer." This may cause you to question lab results and possibly the reputation of the medical center and its staff. You may want to get a second opinion. These are all healthy responses because it allows you to have some time to adjust to the pain and reality of diagnosis. Just don't let it get in the way of a timely response and treatment plan.

Advice for handling denial and disbelief:

• Ask your doctor to help you get a second opinion if your child has a rare cancer such as renal cell carcinoma, rhabdoid tumor or clear cell sarcoma
• Verify the reputation and qualifications of the medical center and team
• Start gathering information about the diagnosis and treatment process

Fear and Anxiety

Fear and anxiety will send your mind into a whirlwind worrying about the future and all the different scenarios that could play out. You feel out of control and vulnerable. For many people, dealing with cancer in a child is an unfamiliar experience. You may have had an older relative with cancer, but not with someone so young.

Even when you accept your child's diagnosis, you still may be scared to trust someone else with the care of your child. Uncertainty as to whether or not you and your child will be able to handle the stress and frequency of doctor appointments also create much anxiety.

Advice for handling fear and anxiety:

• Get current and accurate information
• Develop a trusting relationship with members of the treatment team
• Accept the fact that not everything can be under your control
• Read stories about other families that have gone through the same situation as you
• Be open and honest about the fear and anxiety you're experiencing

Guilt

After accepting your child's diagnosis, you may experience a sense of guilt. You could feel this way due to questions about whether smoking, drug or alcohol use during pregnancy, a family history of cancer, or karmic payback somehow caused your child's cancer. Not noticing symptoms earlier or not taking your child to see a specialist sooner might also make you feel guilty. These feelings are to be expected, but you should know that you aren't at fault. The truth is that the cause for most cancers is unknown, so don't blame yourself. Concentrate on being there for your child and family now.

Advice for handling feelings of guilt:

• Talk to the team social worker or other medical team members about feelings
• Research the cancer to see if there is a known cause
• Accept the fact that you may never know what caused the child's cancer
• Realize that finding guilt or blaming someone won't change the circumstances. Try to focus on treatment and moving forward.

Depression and Sadness

Sadness and even depression may set in as you grieve for the life that you and your child would have had without cancer. Throughout your own sadness and coming to terms with it, remember that your spouse and family members will have different ways of acknowledging and expressing sadness. Unfortunately these feelings will not go away, but it will help to recognize your feelings and how you and others respond to them.

Advice for handling depression and sadness:

• Talk to specialists such as the social worker and psychologists
• Look to family members and friends for support
• Exercise, eat right, and try to get enough sleep
• Continue your own medical attention and mental health help
• Seek spiritual help by praying or visiting a pastor, rabbi or other supportive spiritualist

Anger

Anger is a common emotion that many parents of children diagnosed with cancer experience. You're angry at the injustice of life and wonder how it could be so unfair, especially to someone so young. You may even blame doctors, your spouse, family members and possibly the child that has cancer, which leads to guilt. Realize that anger is a natural reaction to this entire experience and that you must deal with it in a healthy and constructive way.

Advice for handling anger:

• Accept that anger is normal
• Understand what in particular are you angry about or is causing your anger
• Release the physical tension of anger by exercising, walking, or playing sports
• Find a private area to express anger or to cry
• Keep a journal or write a letter and don't send it
• Realize the there may not be anyone to blame and concentrate on trying to use the energy in a positive way