Site Search:

The death of a child is an enormous tragedy, no matter his or her age. As parents, you are not only grieving the loss of a child, but also the loss of your future together, the loss of the possibilities, as well as the loss of hopes and dreams you held for your child.

Grief reactions with children can seem more intense and prolonged than grief over other losses. Some common grief reactions are:

• Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial
• Overwhelming sadness and despair
• Extreme guilt
• Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfilled
• Fear of being alone and isolated
• Feelings of resentment towards parents with healthy children
• Dreams of the child or feeling their presence

All of these are normal reactions to the loss of a child. Some parents feel that as parents they are not supposed to outlive their children, so no parent can possibly be prepared for such a loss. These feelings may be experienced over long periods of time and may come in waves of intensity. Often developmental milestones such as graduations and weddings in others near the same age as your child can trigger a new wave of grief. However, don't worry! The extreme intensity and frequency of your grief will eventually lessen.

Gender Difference in Grieving

Men and women grieve in different ways. So, parents of a lost child may find that they are disagreeing more frequently and not understanding one another. Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. Cultural expectations and role differences have affected how men and women grieve. Men tend to be more controlled with their emotions, trying to stay strong and taking charge of their family. Women tend to be more open with their emotions, often crying and talking about their grief. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that the lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less, but differences could be due to these gender differences. These differences can cause great tension in many relationships, and frequently the best solution is communication. Openness and communication will help each parent understand the true feelings of the other.

Remember the Other Siblings While Grieving

After the death of a child, most of the attention from others is being given to the lost child as well as the parents of the lost child. Therefore, siblings tend to feel excluded. Each sibling is feeling the same loss and needs support just like you do. If a surviving sibling begins to feel overlooked during this time, he or she may misinterpret the death as being their fault and not feel loved as much as the deceased brother or sister. Some suggestions for helping a sibling through this grieving process are:

• Include them in family discussions.
• Spend as much time as possible with the surviving child.
• Listen to the child, and help them understand that they are not responsible in any way for their sibling's death.
• Never compare the sibling to the deceased child, because the sibling may feel that he or she has to fulfill the role of the other child.
• Allow the sibling to grieve, just like you. He or she may act out or show anger, but this may be the child's normal grieving reaction. Just make sure that the sibling doesn't become too withdrawn.
• Keep your eyes and ears open as to how he or she is grieving and healing from the loss.